03:38pm 15/09/2007
 
mood: awake
music: room sounds.
a meme that the inestimable alex t. posted:

'Rules: Comment and I'll give you a letter. In your journal, list 10 of your favorite songs that begin with that letter.'

i was given L, in honor of chicago's mass transit. i'm going to do as he did, and rank alphabetically by author, so i don't have to rank by preference. here goes:

1. linger, the cranberries

2. love for real, everlast

3. less talk more rokk, freezepop

4. luther's got the blues, sarah harmer

5. loose ends, imogen heap

6. least complicated, indigo girls

7. la paga, juanes

8. love is no big truth, kings of convenience

9. lonely in gorgeous, tommy february6, paradise kiss OST

10. letter read, rachel yamagata

that was fun. i should do work, don't you think?

i love, i love, i love. my life is so amazing right now, what with actually having friends and spending time with them. so glad i moved to whitney.

... -s-		  
     

(1 said it right out loud | tell me)
 
you say you'll find me soon the way i was beneath the full midwestern moon   
03:05pm 01/09/2007
 
mood: cheerful
music: the nields - live from the iron horse
this semester has already had serious ups and downs, but i am very optimistic on the whole. i'm about to go off thrifting. i ate a pound of beef. i've already had a miraculous amount of good one-on-one hang out time with several different friends, and a reading/tea party, and even though i failed at one thing i tried to do, i'm going to do something else- tech for a show, and get my foot in the theatre department door- and i'm going to love it. those of you who aren't here, i miss with a powerful ache that i think of in quiet moments and loud. sarah, kit, momo, lyn, v, and on and on and on. i can't wait to see your faces again.

i can taste my own resolve. this semester will be good. i will not let rage and despair at being alone, being single, rule me, and i'll do my best to keep them from affecting my actions at all.

i've made the appointment for my next tattoo, i can't fucking wait. SO EXCITED. one week exactly before my birthday.

it's a beautiful, beautiful day, and i love, i love, i love.

shira		  
     

(1 said it right out loud | tell me)
 
hide and seek... trains and sewing machines   
11:36am 23/08/2007
 
mood: chipper
music: pearsons background noise
i am feeling more and more cheerful as the day of arrival approaches. i still do feel a bit still and like i am drawing back, but 3+ people on campus with whom i can snuggle is very healing. all summer, i had physical contact only when with marysia, davi or jackie, and during my visit with lauren, and it was just not often, not a lot. plus i have been less outgoing that way since conserve, although, you know, damned if dav or mish was going to let that get in our way. there are many, many people i miss sharply outside beloit, but knowing that there will be many people here soon distracts me. i'm excited- soon is the time of my next tattoo! sooooo soon. i need to give them a deposit. really, i need to get cash monies. once i have them, then ink.

it's clear from my writing style in this entry that i am happier. at least, clear to me. pat polley is back on campus! rejoice.

i love, i love, i love
-s-0		  
     

(1 said it right out loud | tell me)
 
oh, i can still see that lonesome road stretched out before me   
11:35am 17/08/2007
 
music: the printer. i'm at work, naughty naughty
i'm glad to say that i don't feel immersed in wretchedness, as i did this time last year. however, i still feel extremely withdrawn, physically and emotionally, from my friends and those that i wish were my friends. i find it incredibly easy to believe that people just don't like me, or are for some reason displeased with me, that i've angered my friends somehow and they just don't care for my company any longer. i feel like this is slowly getting better, but it has plagued me for a year now, and i hate staying up at night and telling myself that it's ok if my best friends don't like me anymore, that it is their choice and my responsibility is to be strong within myself so that i don't embarass them. or me. in a way i know it is probably not true, that people have all just tired of me, but i can't convince myself for sure. what if they have? what if i've done something wrong and my friend is just holding it inside, against me, instead of letting me make it right?

this is kind of exhausting. i hope the excitement of seeing everyone and greetings and reacquaintance will wipe it from my mind.

i love, i love

-s-		  
     

(9 said it right out loud | tell me)
 
and i heard 'em say, nothing's ever promised tomorrow, today   
11:23pm 07/07/2007
 
mood: musing
music: kanye west - heard 'em say and can't tell me nothing, then common - the game
what is the thing i most desire? is it the return of my father? is it financial security? sexual fulfillment? romantic happiness? all of these last three could be classed as removals of external worries... i know that it is not true that the thing i would most like is to be thinner. it seems unlikely that it is any of the last three, the removals of external worries, as we’re speaking of the thing i most desire, and i’m not actively seeking any of these things. it could be argued that i’m working towards financial security by going to school, but it’s an indirect and unsure way to go about it, what with debt and the lack of a guaranteed job. i want my father back, but since i wouldn’t know how to go about that, i plan ways to memorialize him on my skin and i move towards seeking happiness, which i imagine can be affected through job satisfaction and the less flashy trappings of the american dream- an apartment in a city, mostly. i go looking for new music to love, new books to meet, i try to figure out whether i’m a bad person, or sometimes just whether i’m an unappealing person, and i try to figure out ways to ameliorate the situation. i treasure my friends, but i have a bad habit of absentmindedly misplacing them, so that even though i think of them, i don’t see them or speak to them.

i badly want to spend more time with my sister, but not as badly as i want to move towards what i see as my future- it’s within my power to be much closer to her, i could make those decisions, but instead i walk slowly towards a life spent in quiet rooms full of books. i want to work out the things about myself that i see as problems, but generally i do little about it- working slowly or not at all towards solutions. when it comes to some of the things that worry me- emotional ones and physical, mostly concerning relationships and such- no matter how much i want or worry, i seem somehow content to wait and hope that something good will happen to me.

i yearn for friendship, then worry that my friends are somehow displeased with me or by me.

what is the thing i most desire? there are many things that it clearly isn't, but i feel like i can't pin down what it is just at the moment.
...



apparently this is what happens when i reread harry potter? the astute reader may notice that my writing is still affected by having just read jonathan strange and mr norrell.

hi!

i love, i love
-s		  
     

(2 said it right out loud | tell me)
 
your whole style is loose and we gon' sew it like it's cotton   
05:45pm 27/05/2007
 
music: hip hop sleepy...? mix - st. lunatics: midwest swing
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/national/1104AP_Russia_Gay_Rights.html

i have lots of things to say, but that seemed most important. in DC, silver spring really. the internship is going amazingly, although i feel a bit underdressed there. part-time paying employment is in sight. i'm basically really excited for all the various plans i have for the foreseeable future. while i was staying at my grandmother's, sans internet, i stayed up late writing an introspective entry, but i'm not sure if i'll post it. or ever get around to rereading it.

this house has cats. awesome.

i finished reading Spin- best hard sci-fi novel i've read in recent memory. maybe other than heinlein period.

omgz current achewood storyline. i should start up on the archives again.

enough.

i love, i love, i love
-s		  
     

(1 said it right out loud | tell me)
 
i'm tryin' to claim things i haven't earned honest, man   
11:18pm 15/05/2007
 
music: NBA playoffs
the actor who played JD in Heathers is now doing voice-overs for autotrader.com commercials. i find this EXTREMELY disorienting. i mean, really.

just sayin'

also, Jerry Falwell died. johnnie's reaction was "i'm just kinda bored by the whole ordeal, couldn't it have been a coke overdose"- i don't know what i can add to that.

i love, i love		  
     

(1 said it right out loud | tell me)
 
stare into air, inspiration from the atmosphere   
07:05pm 14/05/2007
 
music: Lonely in Gorgeous - Tommy february6 (Paradise Kiss OST)
i have been reading so much internet news. it's nice, if depressing. i feel more real and present as a citizen than i do at school, i think.

http://www.stamfordadvocate.com/news/local/state/hc-14165826.apds.m0217.bc-ct--scocmay14,0,7244550.story?coll=hc-headlines-local-wire

i truly feel that the legalization of same-sex marriage is inevitable. it can come quickly or slowly, but it has to come. but that's a feeling, not a belief, and that feeling will never be borne out if i don't act on it, along with others who feel the same way. this is where reading internet news makes me feel useless- because what the fuck am i doing that's useful?

maybe i will do some research on what i can do to get involved while i'm in DC for the summer. mish, you interested?

spent the day with aviva today. yesterday, we went to visit my uncle, who i hadn't seen since he had a stroke. wednesday, my grandmother and i are going to visit her cousins, who also haven't been well. home time is full of family, because i don't have any friends here- the closest i get is friends on loan from my sister. not that family time is a bad thing.

i'm making a whitney third mix. at present, it is mostly full of music off guitar hero, but there's other stuff on there. i'm still looking to add buckethead (one of the ones from 100 things to do in a bathtub, if i can track them down) and the ghost riding song, again if i can find it. we shall see.

also i am intending to write thank-you notes to all of my professors from this year, but i don't particularly want to write to my CS professors. advice?

OH GOD i've pretty much decided to get my next tattoo next semester. i'm so fucking excited, but it's also making me nervous. do i really want people craning to read a circle of text on my forearm for the rest of my life? sources say yes, but, like i said, nervous.

the disconnected rambling, it has to stop. also very shortly veracity will yell at me to plug her in. oh god the ADD, for serious?

i love, i love, i love
-s		  
     

(4 said it right out loud | tell me)
 
you've got a fast car- is it fast enough that you can fly away?   
11:54pm 12/05/2007
 
music: the cranberries - linger
my sister is amazing. i missed new york more than i had realized. thursday night, i got to go in here and also take approximately a million free sci-fi and fantasy books. did you know tor publishes robert jordan, orson scott card, spider robinson, piers anthony and charles de lint? also battlestar galactica books and jane yolen and patricia wrede. i had no notion so many different bindings of ender's game could even exist. trying to decide what to do with books i don't want to keep when i'm done with them- make a bookcrossing account, maybe. my only regret from my trip into the city is that i didn't really get to see v's roommate, and i miss her. she's pretty fantastic.

i got fingerprinted. apparently i'm a natural- she even asked me if i'd ever done it before. sadly, james kirk's middle initial is a- i saw it on a posted sheet in the office. lame.

today, when i was cooking lunch, i overheated the oil and burned my garlic twice, dammit. in the end, i successfully made gnocchi (not homemade- next time, perhaps) with chicken, sundried tomatoes, and spinach sauteed with garlic. i love cooking in my mother's kitchen, but it makes me hate commons and the whitney kitchen even more than is usual.

i miss people. also i need to stop worrying if people that i won't even see for three months hate me. calm the hell down, shira.

maryland in one week. i am getting a bit nervous about this whole internship thing.

i love, i love, i love.		  
     

(tell me)
 
kissing just for practice, can we please be objective, 'cuz the other boys are queuing up behind us   
10:09am 10/05/2007
 
mood: cheerful
music: a mix with kings of convenience, postal service, and imogen heap
i'm home, and of course missing people. i definitely ended the semester on a more positive note than i anticipated, though, which is lovely. and in the past two weeks i've spent tons of time with all sorts of people i wanted to spend time with, even better. i resolved something- actually, two things- which were really bothering me, and i have extremely high hopes for next semester. also, remember how next semester was going to be only 4 credits, yay? a professor asked me to TA, maybe, and i'm planning on adding choir, which, yes, brings it up to 5. hilarious. but it'll be fun.

i should be getting dressed to walk to the bank and make a deposit. i will feel so much better about my life after that is done.

I AM NOT JOKING WHEN I TELL YOU THAT I JUST MADE AN APPOINTMENT TO GET FINGERPRINTED. WITH A MAN NAMED JAMES KIRK. my life is amazing. i can't even handle it. when i was given his name and extension, i had to seriously consider the possibility that i was being pranked, but it seemed so unlikely from the guy who does personnel security for the smithsonian. and the guy picked up the phone with "jim kirk." ...what can you say about this?

i love, i love, i love
-s		  
     

(3 said it right out loud | tell me)
 
but when she's on her back she had the knowledge to get her into college   
04:42pm 03/05/2007
 
mood: none or other
music: shuffle
i am tired of whining. so here is some none-whine oriented truth:
finals are coming, but i'm not too worried.
i think my 20-page paper on Nazis and physics turned out alright. it bothers me to know how much better i could have made it, but whatever. i can't wait to get back next semester and find out how Pat liked it.
i REALLY LOVE my friends, and also people that i want to be friends with.
i feel less like an asshole lately. yay!
it's looking really , really good for me getting a paying job the last month of summer, which will mean coming back here early and seeing Maggie and Sky (both abroad next semester) and Elizabeth and Olga and others.
the tentative plans i have made for seeing the Harry Potter movie fill me with joy.
i am not sure what my internet access will look like this summer. hmm.
i think i am pretty boring but people who i care about seem to like me so i guess that's cool. sweet.

i feel sure that i have other things to say, but nothing comes. recurring theme, that.

i love, i love, i love
--s		  
     

(1 said it right out loud | tell me)
 
oh, why'd i ever go and leave the farm anyway? thought the city might help me to take my blues away   
01:14pm 30/04/2007
 
music: nine inch nails and sarah harmer
i'm doing that really stupid thing again where i feel left out of things that i wouldn't even want to have done. there are reasons for this; it stems from my need to be included, and THAT comes from wanting to be wanted, and not believing i'm cool 'enough', and wanting to spend time with people who i really, really want to like me EVEN WHEN I KNOW THEY ARE DOING THINGS I WOULD HATE, or things i am totally uninterested in. i desperately want the people i like to want to be my friend, and i apparently also want them to show that desire in a specific way. ALL OF THIS IS DUMB. and so i tell myself that it is patently ridiculous to feel left out of something i wouldn't have enjoyed, but that's only minimally effective. foolish, foolish.

i'm also doing that thing where i'm editing my paper instead of writing it. it's a problem for me.

and at the moment, i'm also doing that thing where i fuck around introspectively instead of working.

i am thinking about Nazis and physics. thank you, J. Patrick Polley.

--s		  
     

(2 said it right out loud | tell me)
 
where are you? everybody's eyes are closed- i can't see why i miss you so   
02:08pm 28/04/2007
 
mood: calm
music: shuffle for the purpose of producing an entry title
i feel like the things which are important to me have changed so much in the past five or six years. some of this is perfectly natural, and i accept it; CTY and high school are over, and my life proceeds apace. i am growing up, however unevenly, and that's more than fine with me too. but i feel that in this semester i've regained a lot of cheer and that in doing so i've started to neglect and overlook some of the most sacred things in my life. my ecstatic geekery hasn't wavered, thankfully, but my focus on always moving towards being a better person has definitely flagged. i feel pettier and meaner and less kind lately, more willing to talk shit about people and not give the benefit of the doubt. separately (or perhaps not) i feel less intelligent lately. i'm wrong all the time and i'm not as curious or as in command of the knowledge i have, or used to have. more generally, i feel like my whole life has been a journey from more intelligent and less knowledgeable to more knowledgeable and less intelligent. this could easily be the product of a mood, though, and the sense of failure that will continue until i make a serious dent in the paper i'm writing at the moment. even if it isn't, it could be due to the fact that knowledge can be restrictive; when one is familiar with the boundaries of reality, possibilities can seem less endless. yes? my potential may seem less and less to me as it begins to be fulfilled.
or maybe not.

your comments on this are more than welcome? yes.

and last night was a very good night, and today looks destined for success rather than failure.

i love, i love		  
     

(4 said it right out loud | tell me)
 
thursday doesn't even start   
04:26pm 25/04/2007
 
music: mix of goodness
everyone wants to know, trust me.


4:11:13 PM me: my object study is ALMOST DONE
4:11:19 PM aviva: HOORAY!
4:11:27 PM me: ASK ME ANYTHING ABOUT CHINESE LACQUERWORK
4:11:33 PM me: I AM ALL OVER THAT SHIT
4:11:47 PM aviva: UM...WHAT IS CHINESE LACQUERWORK?
4:12:51 PM me: IT IS A HARD, DURABLE SUBSTANCE DERIVED FROM THE SAP OF RHUS VERNICIFERA
4:13:11 PM aviva: WHAT'S THAT?
4:13:24 PM me: THE PRIMARY COMPONENT, URUSHIOL, IS A POLYMER WHEN DRIED, MAKING IT A NATURAL PLASTIC
4:13:27 PM me: IT IS A TREE
4:13:31 PM me: GROWS IN CHINA
4:13:42 PM aviva: CRAZY. WHAT DO THEY USE IT FOR?
4:14:05 PM me: IT IS RESISTANT TO MOST FORMS OF DAMAGE, AND IT FORMS A HARD FILM THAT CAN BE POLISHED AND CARVED
4:14:10 PM me: AMONG OTHER THINGS
4:14:23 PM me: IT IS USED FOR FURNITURE AND DECORATIVE OBJECTS
4:14:23 PM aviva: DO THEY DO IT...WITH SCIENCE?
4:14:27 PM me: YES
4:14:32 PM me: WITH ANCIENT SCIENCE
4:14:46 PM aviva: OOOHHH. ANCIENT SCIENCE.
4:14:50 PM me: FOR OVER 6,000 YEARS THEY HAVE BEEN DOING IT
4:15:03 PM aviva: THERE'S BEEN SCIENCE FOR 6000 YEARS?
4:15:08 PM me: IN CHINA THERE HAS
4:15:14 PM me: THEY ARE VERY ADVANCED THERE
4:15:39 PM aviva: WOW. THEY DISCOVERED SCIENCE EARLY.
4:15:43 PM me: YES
4:15:45 PM aviva: AND USED IT TO LACQUER THINGS.
4:15:47 PM me: MAD PROPS
4:15:49 PM me: INDEED
4:16:27 PM me: LACQUER IS INTERESTING BECAUSE NOT ONLY IS ITS MAIN COMPONENT, URUSHIOL, A NATURAL PLASTIC
4:16:37 PM me: IT IS ALSO THE IRRITANT FOUND IN POISON IVY
4:16:48 PM me: YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO TOUCH IT BEFORE IT IS DRY
4:16:52 PM me: BUT SOMEONE HAS TO
4:16:53 PM aviva: SO THEIR FURNITURE MADE THEM ITCHY?
4:17:05 PM me: NOT AFTER IT IS DRIED
4:17:16 PM me: THE CHINESE TREATED THE REACTION WITH SHELLFISH
4:17:20 PM me: I'M NOT SURE HOW
4:17:22 PM aviva: I THINK IT MADE THEM ITCHY.
4:17:25 PM me: BY EATING IT?
4:17:25 PM aviva: THEY HAD ITCHY CHAIRS
4:17:26 PM me: NO
4:17:29 PM me: NO, AVIVA
4:17:36 PM me: I HAVE TOUCHED LACQUER NOW
4:17:38 PM me: I KNOW
4:17:43 PM aviva: MAYBE BY RUBBING THE SHELFISH ON THE ITCH. THAT WOULD BE KINDA GROSS. I WONDER IF IT WOULD WORK WITH POISON IVY.
4:17:49 PM aviva: I BET YOU JUST DIDN'T NOTICE THE ITCHING
4:17:53 PM me: WE SHOULD TRY IT
4:17:53 PM aviva: BECAUSE YOU ARE DUMB
4:17:56 PM me: FOR SCIENCE
4:17:58 PM me: NO
4:18:01 PM me: I AM NOT DUMB
4:18:04 PM aviva: I DON'T WANT TO RUB SHELLFISH ON MYSELF KTHX
4:18:19 PM me: WHAT USE WOULD A CHAIR OR CIGARETTE BOX MADE OF ITCHING BE
4:18:45 PM aviva: YOU COULD GIVE IT TO YOUR ENEMIES
4:18:52 PM me: YOU ARE NOT DEDICATED TO SCIENCE, AVIVA
4:18:58 PM me: NO SHELLFISH FOR SCIENCE?
4:19:05 PM aviva: MAYBE IF YOU SMOKED A CIGARETTE THAT WAS IN A BOX MADE OF ITCHING IT WOULD MAKE YOUR LUNGS ITCH
4:19:13 PM aviva: IT IS TRUE, WHEN IT COMES TO RAW SHELLFISH I AM NOT DEDICATED TO SCIENCE
4:19:49 PM me: WEAKLING
4:20:06 PM me: ...
4:20:10 PM me: TO THE LIVEJOURNAL
4:20:16 PM aviva: OH NOES!
4:20:26 PM aviva: ANYTHING BUT THE LIVEJOURNAL!


aaaaaand back to work. thank you.

i love, i love		  
     

(6 said it right out loud | tell me)
 
i will rise up, i will; who was that phoenix anyway? just some bird who flew away.   
12:57am 23/04/2007
 
mood: going to bed yay bed
was going to update, but instead i finished my paper.

pretty sure it is terrible.

going to bed now.

yes.



i love, i love

-s		  
     

(tell me)
 
we learned this lesson five times fine   
02:18am 22/04/2007
 
mood: neutral but sleepy
music: le tigre to imogen
it's late and i should go to bed. i don't really know what's up lately- the sequence of events in the last 30 or so hours has left me confused, but i'm not feeling as incapacitatingly awkward as i was last night, nor as silly or worried or middle school-tastic. or as much like a self-indulgent asshole. i'm just stressed over how much sleep i'm going to get, which is normal for me. and this weekend, i have gotten things done. i should skip game tomorrow, but i will not, i'm sure. don't have the discipline. i don't want to play so much as just hang out- craving human contact like crazy lately. i don't know... i'll probably bring reading and pretend it will get done. it'll depend on the state of my russian lit paper, "Absurdity in Bulgakov's Master and Margarita." of the ten things on my to-do list for this weekend, i have so far crossed off one- and worked towards four more, which makes me feel a bit better. whine whine whine school also annoying half-references to lame meaningless emotional bullshit. that's what i think this entry is. changing course now.

lately, for classes, i have read master and margarita (bulgakov), the trial begins and on socialist realism (both tertz [sinyavsky]), copenhagen (frayn), sarcophagus (gubaryev), and some akhmatova poetry. i love having classes that make me read interesting (russian? why always russian?) things, and next semester, i won't- only technical readings. i'm taking chinese, russian, intro to the archives, and the materials of material culture. to that end, i've asked my advisor, an inimitable man with extremely wide interests who reads a lot, to make me a reading list. it should be fucking sweet. perhaps i will also get him to give me the self defense and knife-fighting lessons we talked about. maybe someday i will be less of a defenseless pushover! oh, self-image, how can i see myself that way and also be arrogant and vain and yet physically self-conscious? perhaps it is a miracle of modern science/livejournal/my brain/other. i just had a crazy musical backlash thursday- i've been listening to so much folk and pop and stuff, and i love it, clearly, but i sort of rebounded into rap and such things as nirvana, NIN and le tigre.

last night i saw the venture brothers for the first time. it is an excellent show.
also i saw a bit of filming for a zombie film, it looked fucking sweet.
i have terrible posture.
i get really excited when the weather is lovely.
i also get really excited when i want to go to sleep and realize nothing is stopping me.
sometimes i STILL DON'T DO IT THOUGH.
so much failure. ending now.

i love, i love
--s		  
     

(3 said it right out loud | tell me)
 
get down, girl, go 'head, get down   
08:26pm 16/04/2007
 
mood: alert
music: see playlist- at this moment,
i like the way my life is happening right now, though it is not without its flaws. mom is sick. i'm not as functional and efficient at present as i could hope, but more than the bare minimum is still getting done, so that's nice. this weekend was full- there was a journey to chicago to see miss jackie (and to spend some real time with elizabeth and lauren) and all in all i enjoyed it immensely. things happened there. they were fun. yesterday we came back, and almost immediately i flipped out quite a lot over mom. nate, who becomes more amazing as i get to know him more, essentially took care of me. it was fucking incredible of him, and i appreciate it intensely. i stupidly called mom again today, but i'm going to be fine and so is she.

more generally, i'm excited for next semester. my classes look sweet, and i'm thrilled to be taking only things that will(could) have practical use in my life, especially the Intro to Archives class. also- choir, possible tech theatre, life. pretty sweet.

i made this playlist. right now it is titled "mood?" it is on shuffle. i like it. short sentences are best.

the fox in the snow - belle and sebastian
lilium - elfen lied original soundtrack
uniform grey - sarah harmer
hide and seek - imogen heap
fast car - tracy chapman
clark gable - postal service
homesick - the kings of convenience
pendulum swinger - indigo girls
took it all - sarah harmer
recycled air - postal service
i could fall in love - selena
chicago - sufjan stevens
get me away from here, i'm dying - belle and sebastian
the build up - the kings of convenience
building a mystery - sarah maclachlan
take a bow - madonna
casimir pulaski day - sufjan stevens
linger - the cranberries

i love, i love.

--shira		  
     

(1 said it right out loud | tell me)
 
it's that time of year, when we put all our hopelessnesses aside   
04:04pm 07/04/2007
 
mood: engaged
music: imogen heap/postal service/kings of convernience playlist
this is going to be a fairly comprehensive mental portrait, including things that i consider whiny and have therefore been avoiding talking about here- not that i've updated lately. probably it would be better for me mentally to just stop writing this and call Aviva instead- remind myself of the solidity of home and life. but i feel introspective and self-indulgent and this is what i want to do.

here is life. i've been so much, so much better than last semester, but not all is right. i'm still full of alone, romantically, and for some obscene reason still nursing a dead-end crush that i'm so done with but can't seem to force myself to stop playing with. on the other hand, i'm essentially fine with everything having to do with my last relationship- no longer angry at or even feel awkward around Jacob, although looking back on how happy i was while being so wrong about reality does still make me embarrassed. but damn was i happy. much like last semester, classes are going excellently, although i am slacking on two major projects due in a couple weeks that i should seriously be reading up on at this moment. regardless, i'm proud of myself academically. this summer is shaping up- to whom it may concern, i should be living in the dc area, and i would LOVE TO HAVE FRIENDS NEAR WHERE I LIVE FOR ONCE. just saying. but, echoes of last semester, socially weird things are happening to me. i'm finally hanging out with more and more people, talking to more people, greeting more people on the sidewalk and expanding the number of people i'm happy to see. often, i'm hanging out without feeling awkward or alien or unnecessary- at the time. but just lately when i come home, i've started castigating myself for my behavior and oscillating about my worth, not as a person but as a friend. i'm realizing some mistakes i make, socially, but i'm just being unnecessarily hard on myself about them and not necessarily fixing them. but still- i'm hanging out with people, and having fun. i still feel needy in a way that bothers me, but i'm working on it. i'm always trying, i am. i just don't like being unhappy, surprise. i'm excited about new friends, but sad about other things- i haven't talked to Momo for a month, i worry about whether my best friends even like me the way i am right now... growing closer with new people will never, ever make up for losing old ones, and i'm afraid i will.

other things- i love, love, love music. i've regained interest in it, if i had lost it, which i feel like i did. i've lately become much more upset about how i've only been listening to music, and not DOING it. i'm starting to think about joining a choir next semester. i should talk to Zim about this again. i'm also planning to do tech theatre again next semester- the prospect of restarting things i love (so, so much) is really heartening. and in addition to academics, life is really shaping up, or seems like it is. like i mentioned, this summer is looking good- i should be engaging in intellectual badassery here. i have a bunch of books about libraries out from the, um, library, and basically whenever i think about the future i get giddy because i'm so excited about what my life will be. it's not life that is the problem- i see where i'm going, how i'll get there, i'm so, so excited. the problem is what my life will feel like on the way- how happy will i be? how worried? how will the human aspect of my life fit with my aspirations, ambitions, and achievement of ecstatic geekery?

when i think about my future, i feel like an adult. when i think about people, now, i feel like a child. when i think about my self, i can't decided if i'm a woman or a girl, if i'm happy or just making my way. but at the moment, at least, i'm full of hope.

i miss you all. i really, really do.

i love, i love		  
     

(2 said it right out loud | tell me)
 
this far or further? i need to know.   
01:56am 17/02/2007
 
mood: peaceful
music: kings of convenience
first off, a fucking fantastic link from miss jackie:

http://thenonist.com/index.php/thenonist/permalink/hot_library_smut/
holy shit. i mean, really.

a busy week. i'd better get my shit done this weekend. i did some reading tonight, and hung about with elizabeth and lauren, and a bit in w3l, and then with mitchell for a couple of hours. we had a really lovely talk while he played a graphically violent computer game, and then i met a friend of his from home who was both wasted and hilarious. home now, playing dress-up. i feel very pretty. listening to kings of convenience, which apparently is the calm, contemplative soundtrack of my updates.

i love, i love.
don't doubt it.

and it's snowing.		  
     

(2 said it right out loud | tell me)
 
places look the same, and we're the only difference   
12:13am 09/02/2007
 
mood: inspired
music: the kings of convenience (why, always when i update?)
writing here makes me instinctively melancholy, it's pretty silly. just at this moment, life is pretty lovely. except i might have a chinese quiz tomorrow that i haven't studied for. i'm going to go look into that, or sleep. it's two hours of class and three and a half hours of work away from the weekend.

i love, i love		  
     

(1 said it right out loud | tell me)
 
 
twiningfire
 
 
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